Here I am. Who would have thought?

 #1
My first entry to this blog... What else could I say? Here I am, still breathing (the air is good for me!) and it's been about one week since the summer holiday ended (more or less). I think the summer is starting to turn to autumn already... it's getting colder, the air has that certain good smelling "scent" in it, nights are getting darker and the sun doesn't shine that much anymore. Autumn... what a lovely season.

But I guess I'm not here to talk about the weather. Or seasons. So, shall we get the show on the road?
Yeah, forward we go! Oh, I must mention that this is far from any kind of 'official' text... I just hate rigidity and inflexibility... So, nothing in these texts I've written will be bound to any boundaries. These texts just 'are', exist in their own way, the way how I wished them to. My little piece of freedom.
For what is the world worth of living if we're prisoners, of our own minds, of our own society, of our own rules?

The beginning is always the hardest. No matter what you do, no matter how you do – you will always be a newbie in the beginning, or as some people say, a noob. There is this certain threshold which you have to cross, and after that it'll get hell of a lot easier. Trust me.

It's not the failure that kills you or harms you. It's the doubt. It's the fear. Fear together with doubt is a mind-killer. You have to get over them, of fear, and of doubt. Believe in yourself, trust in  yourself. Because in the end? In the end you're all alone, fighting the world, fighting the society, fighting for your own existance. And all that exists? Hope.

A little warning before I start... Please, try to understand that I am who I am: an open person. I write very openly and honestly about how I think and feel, often off-topic too. You may feel a little bit awkward when reading these texts, especially if you don't know me. But hey, I like being open: whenever I get to choose it myself instead of anyone forcing me. But please, don't make a mistake thinking that I'm vulnerable, I'm not. Nor should you make a mistake thinking that it's my weakness. It's not. I just like giving pieces of myself, even if it only means these texts. You may think that some of these matters are rather personal, and I must apologize if you feel uneasiness or any form of awkwardness because of it. 
After all, I really do love writing, as much as I love trying to affect.

Because of these texts you may learn to know me way better than you have learned during these last years. But I still like being mysterious, keeping parts of myself hidden, secrets covered in these texts, symbolism used in certain cases. Why? Why not. As I said, I like being mysterious, as childish as it may be. But hey, it's said that men never grow up! So, I'll get to smile again.

NOTE: This all is happening between ME and English. As without other people there can't be a language, I must tell what affects me and my capability to communicate in English. Fair enough?   Hell, it's all about people anyway. The language, the culture, anything, the whole endless wonder, the world itself! 

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Now that I've handled the introductions... Lets move forward!

I'm not sure I like talking that much... Well, at least not when people are not ready to hear what I've got to say, or when I know that they wouldn't care less about what I think and if I talk or not. Being silent isn't that bad... you'll get used to it. Especially when people are not ready...
I wonder if they'll ever be. But I guess all one has to do is to figure it out... are people worth it? More importantly: who is worth it?


I prefer English over Finnish in many cases. Hell, I probably use English more than Finnish. I don't know what I'd do without English: I think a lot in English, I have some conversations with myself in English, I communicate with some people in English. Finnish doesn't just feel "good"... it's so stiff and inflexible when compared to English. And it's sharp... very very sharp. If you're not careful, it'll hurt you, it'll cut your throat open. Or perhaps, one should rather say in this case – it's not the language you should be afraid of. It's the certain individuals.


Having a good group has lowered my own threshold, to act, and to speak. I actually feel that I enjoy talking and that I want to talk. I get to be who I am: I get to share my opinions, and people in my group are listening to me whenever I talk. It's such a difference when compared to normal situations I've had. I often wonder if it'd be different if nobody knew me or if we had just met: people would think of me in a completely different way.
People see what they want to see, and believe what they want to believe. Humans can be so incredible stubborn and even stupid creatures... Geez! It's not like I'm that same person anymore, or even the same person that I was two months ago. Geez, indeed. Now I'm kind of laughing. I am a human. But yeah, I'm really looking forwards to this course. Can't wait to see what it brings...

I know my English is far from perfect: the obvious reason why I don't speak it fluently is that I haven't had a chance to speak it nor have I ever had a chance to spend time abroad. I'm not a native English speaker.
The truth is: You cannot learn to speak English fluently if you don't speak it, but also if you don't have a chance to stay with people whose primary language is English. It's weird... to become good at anything, requires other people... Ever given a thought about that? That being said, I'm not flawless. I make a lot of mistakes, a lot of errors – I'm aware of all that – but I want to learn from them and become better.

I often wonder how it'd be to live in someplace else... Nobody would know me, nobody would judge me by my past. I often dream of living in US, or volunteering and helping people in Africa... Oh well, time will show. But I am quite sure that I wont be staying in Finland for long. It's only a matter of time when I decide to flee to someplace else. I can almost see myself laying on the beach (someplace warm, perhaps Hawaii?), drinking cocktails, bathing in the sun, without being in any kind of hurry. Or then I imagine myself watching through the window (a big one with white frames... I just love that architecture in US!) and seeing the autumn in it's full glory, while enjoying a glass of red wine. Oh, too bad that I'm an absolutist: no alcohol, no smoking (not even pot), or drugs. Perhaps I should start imagining a cup of tea instead..... some delicious green tea (not made of marijuana!!!), or something else. Damn. I really do love tea. And autumn. Too bad that winter is coming, I'm not so fond of it. Winter is always so cold and dark... But winter is coming.


Geez. Time flies when I'm having fun. Gotta go. But I will be back. Cheers!


 

BECAUSE THE LIMIT OF THE CHARACTERS (only 4096 characters allowed), I WILL KEEP THESE TEXTS IN THIS ONE THREAD INSTEAD OF CREATING NEW ONES. Every new text will be in seperated sections, each one written in different color and marked clearly with a number. I love doing things on my own way....


#2

The second week is coming to it's end... And here I am (with sore throat... I guess it's that time of the year when one should start considering whether to sleep with windows wide open, or not. I like that good smelling scent in the air, especially at night and I get to feel the wind on my face if I sleep window open. Besides, I like listening to traffic sounds in the night... it reminds me of other 7 billion people). 
But yeah, here I am. Who would have thought? Oh well, why would I be surprised? I'm not. It's a little bit hard to accept that the summer is already over and that it's autumn already (although, I do love autumn... everything about it: the smell, the way how everything looks, thoughts about how fast time goes and that summer is finally over). I wonder what the hell happened. But then... Is it really necessary for me to remember, to keep track of time?

I'm trying to write this blog every now and then, once a week. But the thing is, I rather have to force myself so I wouldn't write more than is allowed (as the limit of these texts is just 10 and only God knows what's the limit of words in these texts). Hopefully I don't really have to cut off my fingers to keep myself from writing: I would rather not do that. Alright, alright! No extreme measures are necessary! I submit! I don't want to lose any of my fingers... I like doing stuff with them.

But now, shall we get to the actual point? What have I learned during this week? Or should I rather ask, what have I not learned? But because it'd be pointless to list things I haven't learned, yet, I'll just tell about all the things I've learned (regarding to these English courses, eighth and nineth ones...).

First of all: Don't keep your hands anywhere in front of your mouth area. Meaning, don't lean onto your hands either. Teacher wont like it. It doesn't matter if you like it or not, as long as you don't do it. But there's a real reason why you shouldn't do it: it makes you mumble, and your partner wont understand or hear anything you say, "mumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumble". Besides... you could catch some bacteria from your hands... One must wonder where your hands have been... What do you think you're thinking about?! What I meant is that in public places (grocery stores, schools, libraries, cinemas, etc.) there's a lot of bacteria.

What I also have learned is that it's not easy to get your voice to carry out loud on good volume and at the same time get the spoken language to sound good. Perhaps this is because of my sore throat (catching a flu?). I guess I'll get better with time.

The more I listen to English the more I can understand the speech. I've noticed that more I just listen to English the better I can recognize everything in speech. So instead of watching movies and series with English subtitles, one should watch them without them if the movies are in English. Whenever I watch movies or series, I watch them with English subtitles. The reason for that is that I don't have a sound system of great quality so all talk drowns into the world of explosions and action. I couldn't imagine watching a movie or episodes of my favorite series with Finnish subtitles.

Finnish is just something so rigid and inflexible. Alright, perhaps it's just a highly colored opinion of mine. Alright, perhaps if I used Finnish more, then I probably wouldn't be so negative about it. But well, it seems that I rarely use it anymore. There's just no need for me to use it. Perhaps just whenever I'm talking with someone who's Finnish, and if I'm engaged in a "conversation combat" with someone, whomever that might be. Geez, it's not like I'm trying to render Finnish unusable or anything. Perhaps it's not the language that raises this much of... what? negativity? Hell, I'll blame the society for it, not the language. After all, I am a product of the society, like it or not – that's the way it is. Everything I am is because of the society. Sometimes I really do wonder who I am, or rather, what I am. It's not like I don't recognize myself. It's just that sometimes I get these flashes

(memories?) and realize how much things have changed. But what remains is the present and the future. I couldn't care less about what's happened, even thinking about the past makes me feel sick. Yeah, I really do despise almost everything in the past. "Ghosts of the past". Haha, that's hilarious!

Geez, I really do get to enjoy of my drama after all. I think... I've become rebellious.

Oh well, it's not like I'm going to start burning cars and throwing Molotovs all around...

... I really did get carried away from the point. Let's get back on the track. No, I'm not a train. But this is a train of my thoughts. And I wonder if there's the Rail Chaser involved...

So. Back on the track (still not a train). What I've also learned is that speaking English out loud makes me more confident. I don't know why, it just does. Perhaps it's because of the fact that I know that whomever I'm speaking English with is listening to me and is probably interested in what I've got to say. 

A dream I say: It's all about that particular excercise, people's desire to complete it. Alright, perhaps I should have more belief in people. Not all people are the same... yet why is it so hard for me to believe that difference could ever be accepted? Snap out of it already, Geez!... Not everyone stabs in the back, not everyone seeks to destroy you, not everyone tries to exploit you, or abuse you.

Alright, none of this text has to be taken seriously, at least I don't. I only tell exactly WHAT I'm feeling, WHY I'm feeling and my thoughts. Haha, sounds rather like a comedy!
I think that the group which I'm currently in is a good one. No doubts about that! 

Alright, if I got carried away from the point earlier, I did it again!

Let me have my last words (it's not like I'm going anywhere or pop off, just gotta end this text, one way or another).

So, here it ends. Farewell for now. I will be back, you can count on that. I got at least 4 texts to write more (note the 'at least' part!). See ya 'round!

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#3

Has it really been only three weeks since the holiday ended? I don't know if I should be happy about that or not. I often wonder... what would life be alike if something had gone differently. Who would I be? That's is the question I seem to ask myself a lot.

But then I always wake from my endless daydream. I am who I am, I am what I am. Everything I am is because of how things went. Is my history the same as my story? 
”His story – history”.

I'm afraid that I can't do much to change my history, but what about my story? Does it really have to be based on my history? No matter how hard I try to imagine things – events – differently, I just can't, not even after cutting all my ties to past. But who am I? Am I a product of the society? Chances of that are high: I most certainly am.

I've also wondered that if it was possible to change the past, 'delete' some experiences, would I do that? Yet I'm aware that everything that I am is because of the experiences and life-events that I've been through. I shouldn't feel bad because of being 'me', because of the things that have happened or because of the things that are just impossible because of the events that have happened in the past.

”The whole thing goes: The future's not set. There's no fate but what we make for ourselves. ” is most definitely one of the most beautiful quotes I've ever heard, spoken by John Connor in Terminator 2. Future's not to blame. Yet... am I to blame? I really do wonder. But I guess I accepted this 'destiny', 'fate', what-ever-you-want-to-call-it, when I made the certain choices regarding my life. I guess one quote is enough to describe my feelings regarding those choices.

"Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them." by Jodi Picoult, in My Sister's Keeper.

I don't like being compared to other people, as I'm not like the others. Some may think of me as an arrogant person, but in reality that's what the society has taught me: I'm not like the others. Isn't it ironic? Back in time I wished I were different. But I don't complain. I am who I am, I am what I am. I am invincible: nobody can hurt me, not really. They can try, but in the end... what is it worth for them? I'm just me. Why would anyone even want to hurt me? But if they get satisfaction out of it... let it be that way then. Like Chaplin said, "My pain may be the reason for somebody's laugh. But my laugh must never be the reason for somebody's pain." I won't hold a grudge, I promise. Just if it makes you feel better, and perhaps I could see you smiling? I love seeing people smile.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I get more response to my feelings from fiction than I do get from other people. What else could I say? It's the truth. I wish I could say that I believe in relationships, but I don't. I'm just way too different. I guess that I don't even care anymore: in the end it'll always be me, fighting the world, all alone in the darkness, being my own pillar of support. I don't mind being alone, not at all, not anymore. I don't have to be afraid of being accepted, I don't have to be afraid of losing people, or of losing friends. When I'm old, I don't have to feel utter sadness when burying my life-long friends and when the stories of our experiences together keep living within me, I don't have to feel nostalgic nor will I be brought to tears by the loss. And when I am old and my time has come, I won't be afraid of death, just hoping that it'll be swift.

Besides, I get to enjoy of little things: good food and tea, fiction (both movies and literature), seasons, world of endless wonder. Really, it's not that bad, at least when compared to getting backstabbed one time after another, or being told who I shouldn't be – what I shouldn't be – or getting my heart crushed: suffering a slow agonizing death. So no, I don't believe in relationships, nor will I ever want to fall in love with anyone. Aboveboard, I would rather fall off the bridge. Alas, one wouldn't survive either one of them: it's not the falling that kills you, it's when you hit the bottom. But it's the way of falling what makes falling off the bridge more enjoyable. Falling in love... I wouldn't wish that even on my nemesis, I really wouldn't.

And... I hate responsibility, I always have, I probably always will. I like being free. Yet, total freedom can never exist. Power bring responsibility but rensponsibility doesn't bring power. We're all prisoners of our own minds and our own society.

I'm probably better as solo, most of the time. I've always been. I'll always be. Life is a game to me. The world is my game board (I'm like 'Light Yagami', 'L', or 'Zero').

And after all, I did make my decision. And soon... the whole world will bow to me...

Now I'm really laughing, as that was fun. Remember what I said in my earlier texts? These texts shouldn't be taken too seriously, nor should life either.

But enough of that depressing sounding stuff, alright? Yeah, let's change the subject!

So, I am here again, talking about what I've learned. Yeah, yeah, let's move on, shall we?

First of all, I've learned more about pronouncing and stressing the words and sentences.

My personal opinion about stressing is that it's highly related to emotions and feelings. You tend to stress words and sentences differently when you're mad than when you're happy. It's hard for me to tell the stressing of the certain syllables: I think I do the stressing part rather naturally. But more I think of it, it doesn't feel that hard. What is hard is that I don't recognize that well the stressing of words and sentences when it comes to certain... how shall I say it... output? There was this one text which we followed by listening to CD, how one person read the text and stressed it differently all the way to the end. It's just harder for me to stress that way how he stressed... Well, I never said that I'd be flawless, did I?

I've also had some hard time about using was/were in past tense sentences, but after reading about it I now know that both ”I was” and ”I were” are grammatically correct (in modern English). There are those little things that I'm not even aware of, and by becoming aware of them I can become better. It's the little details that build the wholeness.

I'm also trying to widen my vocabulary: it's fun when I get to use new words. And I feel good when I know things. It just makes me feel good. Knowledge is power. 
I've also learned more about my own threshold to speak: It's easier to speak with a person who is truly interested in me, rather than speaking with people who wouldn't give a crap about me or what I'm saying. So... with some people my threshold is lower, and with some people it's as high as it can get. Of course when I 'must' talk, I will talk, even with those who would throw me off of hot-air balloon to save themselves....

But again, I must mention that these all are just merely my own thoughts and feelings. You may disagree with me, please, feel free to do so. This is just my perspective, my reality, and yours will most likely differ from mine. Perhaps you see me just as a silent school boy, or perhaps you see me just as a complainer. But hey... Nobody really is what they seem to be. Better remember that. 
 

And now, again, I must end this text, as much as I enjoyed of writing this. But another time then? Time will most certainly show us. Here are my last words regarding this text: 
Now that you know few or more things about me, I won't feel need to explain myself anymore. Instead, I will focus heavily on the topic: Analyzing my learning, and so on. 

Farewell for now. We shall meet again, one day!

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#4

Has it only been just 4 weeks since the summer holiday came to it's end? It sure does feel like eternity. I wonder... But in the end, does it really matter? I don't know. Perhaps it does, perhaps it doesn't. A fifty-fifty chance?

At one night when already in bed I realized what I'm more afraid of than anything. Growing old. People will most likely find a partner to spend their lives with, found a family, have kids. And we would all grow old, either with or without anyone. We will all grow old. And we will all die, at some point. But I don't think that it's the dying part that is scary... is it? It's sad to think that everything one loves, everything that one has ever loved, will wither away and die. It's inevitable. It's the truth. A story that every and each one of us has to live through. Some of us survive, rest of us don't. We keep living. Or that is what we try to make ourselves believe. If just to retain our sanity. Yet I must wonder, has any of us ever succeeded? We might as well all be insane. Who knows.

One Benjamin Franklin used to say, "Many people die at 25 and aren't buried until they are 75”.

I remember promising myself at some point that I would never grow old. I miss the world in which there was no death or pain, only happiness eternal, a beautiful journey neverending, an adventure. The world inside of children's minds. Yet as I have grown, I've become older, inevitably.. I'm not a child anymore. I'm not innocent. Far from it. I seek life of pleasure and happiness. There is no room in my world for pain, nor for any sources for it. That being said, I continue living my life the way I've been doing for the last seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years.... enjoying the little things (good food, tea, beauty around me, and life itself). It's the little details that matter!

But now let me get to the actual topic. As much as I would love to continue writing this, I'm afraid that I must finally rush to the actual topic I've intended to write about.

So please, let me finally get started.
What I have learned is that the more I get to be myself the more outgoing I am. As you can possibly imagine, it's easier to interact and be in touch with people when they're not there to judge you and you're accepted the way you are. Don't be too blue-eyeish... not everyone is a saint.

The truth is, I've never been a popular guy, and I know that I will never be one. As much as I would like to have faith in people, I couldn't even trust my life onto their hands. All I've ever known, is surviving. That's harsh. But it's merely the truth. Besides, I like it. As much as I try not to keep repeating these things over and over again, I just can't. It's who I am. I embrace it with my whole being, as it's all I know, it's all I have ever known, it's all I will ever know. If I had never experienced any of it, I wouldn't be 'me'.
I am a person who enjoys of drama, and who just can't get enough of it. But again, this is who I am, and I like it. Besides, I don't feel ashamed of any of it, and as long as I get to write and be 'me' there is no stopping me. People can take everything away from me, but not my dignity. That is what remains.
   
I've started to speak more, and that has resulted in more fluent speaking of both English and Finnish. It depends highly on people who I am talking to how well I succeed. People who treat me in good fashion, who have always treated me well, are more likely to hear me talk. Others then... well, it's a true miracle if they hear me talk. What I've noticed is that sometimes just speaking slower can make a huge difference. Not all the words need to be rushed out of your mouth. It might even feel comfortable when speaking slower.

Regarding the debate we had on Friday... At first I really wasn't sure if I'd get a chance to say anything. Nevertheless, I ended up talking quite a lot. I'm quite a fierce person inside and I got quite a strong opinions, but I managed to get along. It was fun. I liked it.

The topic itself was quite cruel: no one can justify hurting anyone. My personal opinion is that you can't put out the fire with more fire: you cannot fight the violence with violence, nor can you achieve peace without peace. I know I might have raised strong feelings in people, the whole topic did, but that's the point. Sometimes just being in the spot light is fun.

It was hard to keep own emotions and feelings in leash when trying to ponder good enough arguments, and while following the debate between group 1 and group 3. It's so easy to get lost in your emotions that one might as well forget what the goal is. The lesson is: Don't let emotions cloud your judgement. Later on Monday when we had the "debate" (it wasn't really a debate... not to me) it wasn't that fun. Why? In "my group" there were about 10 people or more and I didn't really get a chance to say anything... I guess that from now on I either am on spotlight or am not, either all in or all out. But as I've said hundreds of times earlier, it's people who cause a certain response in me. They want to listen to what I've got to say and they're honestly interested in being in any kind of interaction with me without trying to deceive, exploit or abuse me? Alrighty, that could work out. As I've also said hundreds of times earlier: If I don't exist for you, you don't exist for me, and you treat me like a little crap in the corner? Alright, I'm not the only little crap in the corner, there's another in the another corner... Heeheehee, now that was too harsh. But you get the point! What I'm trying to say that I don't care if you don't like me. It's their loss, not mine. I got just less to stress about. I've made some bad choices regarding people in past, and I just will make sure that none of that gets repeated ever again, as long as I have a say in it. What really matters is if you like me. It's a causal nexus. But I won't stress about that much either. Really, I try not to stress about anything, one thing that the society and people have taught me. Stressing about people or relationships won't help a bit and it won't make people like you more. As said, I couldn't care less

And now, before I start twisting everything I've written more and more... I guess this was it then. Again. The ending of this text. But it is said, that what has a beginning, has an end. In the same fashion, everything that goes up must eventually come down, except me. I'm high as hell already...

Syonara. But since we will most likely see again, or encounter each other again in one form or another... let me just say 'Farewell', for now. 
 

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#5

It's been over ten years since I started the school, and now I'm in high school already, about to finish it. Who would have thought? Over then years. A lot has happened. A lot fits into these past years, both good and bad. How different things used to be. I think it's weird that nothing seems to be different but when I think about the past, everything has changed. No one is the same, neither am I. Feeling nostalgic, eh? A little bit, yes, as I'm still merely a human. Sometimes I might feel something when I run into people who played a more important part in my life (or better said, who I thought were important to me). But most of the time I'm glad if I can look at them without feeling anything. No sadness, no hatred, nothing. Not even happiness. And after all, there is no evidence that those little encounters ever happened, like coming across each other in the corridors. Just a switft exchange of gazes, then quickly turning it away, continuing the every day life like nothing had happened. Nothing had happened. Perhaps it was better that way. Absolutely nothing had happened. Except the whole world had changed. But that's just it, nothing more. All there is left are those faint traces of memories left.

But none of that matters. It must not. In the end, everything was supposed to go the way it did. No regrets, just living a day by day, for the future.

I think I'm in need of vacation. A long one. One the beach of Hawaii. Brewing and drink perfect cups of tea, something of new sort. Bathing in sun, just enjoying the life. I wonder if I'd ever come back... I highly doubt that.

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It was fun today on Wednesday 11^th September... Got to laugh a little bit the we were stressing the sentences in a certain fashion (e.g. In enthuasistic way, irritated way, etc.) and later when we played 'Mobster'. It was actually fun even though most of us are adults already. Although I must wonder... is it true that men never grow up? Haha, now that's a fun thought.

There are days when I don't feel like talking, sometimes I feel that the words get stuck in my throat, no matter if I'm speaking English or Finnish. It's annoying. Although the more I talk the more words I get out of my mouth smoothly. Still, it's not like I've been silent for eternity... I don't know why this keeps happening. I should probably start speaking slower... but then people would always rush me to speak faster and they'd grow bored of me and would start speaking over me. But then, I should probably think twice before speaking in such company.... Just sayin', I've become sick of repeating myself all over again like nothing I had said had no purpose at all. But again, just sayin'.

I can't recall the day when we had the listening exam... Was it on Tuesday? Now that I think of it, I think it was. It didn't go as well as the ones we had practiced. It was a little bit harder, yes, but I was also daydreaming way too much... It could've gone better, it could've gone worse. I think that I won't be getting Laudatur after all. Too bad, that would've been nice.

I'm kind of looking forward to that oral exam... at least I think so. Not that I would actually stress about it at all as I'm not. As I've said thousands of times already, I don't like stressing about things. It either goes well or not that well. I'm not very good in ”test situations”... they're way too inflexible and rigid for my taste... So, that will affect the outcome. But other than that, I'm quite confident about that and about my abilities. After all, it's just another test amongst others. So, nothing to stress about. 

Unbelievable... The course has come to it's end. Who would have thought that the time would go on? It feels like yesterday when the course started... yet it's been almost an eternity. It's been different than the other courses, and has allowed more flexibility than the other courses. But it's said that everything good will come to it's end, at some point or another. Everything that has a beginning has an end. An universal law. Or an universal flaw? 

And now, instead of spending my whole night writing this text, I'll finish this off. More will follow later, at some point, or another. Maybe. Now... I wonder... How will I spend my Saturday night? I think I know just the way.

Cheers. And try not to mess with anything, k'? 


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#6

”We are told to remember the idea, not the man, because a man can fail. He can be caught. He can be killed and forgotten. But hundred years later an idea can still change the world. I've witnessed first hand the power of ideas, I've seen people kill in the name of them, and die defending them... but you cannot kiss an idea, cannot touch it, or hold it... ideas do not bleed, they do not feel pain, they do not love... And it is not an idea that I miss, it is a man... A man that made me remember the Fifth of November. A man that I will never forget.” - from a movie V for Vendetta.

Most definitely one of the most beautiful quotes I've ever seen during my life. Definitely. So many ways of interpreting the quote, so many possibilities. Such beauty. But then, again, am I the right person to talk about beauty? Am I the right person to determine what beauty is? I'm not. But I do think that beauty is something that comes from deep inside. But then, again, I could be wrong.

But anyway, who cares? I don't. I had my tender moment, let's move on already...

So, what could I say – or in this case, write about? Oh yeah, something about something. Not a big deal, eh? Lets try, even for once, to stay on the topic. It can't be that hard. Somehow I just always end up writing about everything. But hey, something to comfort me: everything's related, all matter is energy, energy forms everything. Said and done. Proved to be true.

I had one of my matriculation exam, biology, on Monday. It was kind of rough, just sitting and writing, eating and thinking. The quality of the answers went down towards the end... Took almost 5 hours to finish it off, and then my hand was ready to be cut off. But other than that, it went rather well. Now that I've been in one exam already, I know how to proceed with the next one, English one.

I had that English oral exam today on Tuesday. I fell so hard that I went right through the bottom. I never shine in those exam situations, never have, never probably will. Yeah, it went THAT bad. There's at least one thing I remember really well from that situation: I was asked what grade I'd get for that exam. I answered, ”A seven points”! I wonder what the hell I were thinking during that exam. None of the conversations I've had, especially not those when I've talked with foreign people, have gone that bad. I'll blame the pressure. I wonder if I'll fail the course? Perhaps got to redo it? That exam really did go THAT bad. Really bad. Oh, I got to clarify a little bit more: It went straight to hell for me. Probably even through the hell, if anything exists under it. I wonder if I ended up slaying demons with that grade...? But hey, something good comes always up, so I won't stress about it, not at all. Why not? Because I know that I'm hell of a lot better. Said and done. Proved to be true.

Had that matriculation exam on English and I think it went rather well even though the most questions and answers were so freakin' unbelievable, I mean, there were a lot of answers which all fit to the question... Although I did do the whole exam in about 3 hours, then I just got bored (I wonder how Kerrigan is... she's probably busy?). It is said that everything is fun just as long as it lasts or it's new... I loved writing that essay: wrote the book review... about a book serie (just 2 books actually) which I just fell in love with. An incredible description of the dark side of humanity after a total nuclear war. A story about survival while living deep in metro tunnels, and when the human race is on the brink of its demise. You may actually even have read those books, or played the game serie...

It's hard to believe that this course has come to its end. It's been fun, and kind of ”relaxing” when compared to other courses. Make no mistake; I'm just in school because it's required of me, because of the education. It's all about education. It's always been all about education, will always be. But at least... I've learned my lessons during these last years. No experiences have gone to waste, something to be glad about. But in the end... I wonder. I always have, I always will: How differently would things have gone? What if I hadn't learned the lessons I was taught? What if the lessons had never been taught to me? What if. What if. It's futile to question the past. But I'm glad. I did learn my lessons, did I not? Indeed.

I think... I'm in need of vacation. Perhaps I shall retire already? 


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#7
This is going to be the last one, the one to end the serie of these texts. This is going to be rather short one, mostly because my computer fell apart, literally. 

So, here I am and have been, but no more. It's time to say a goodbye, when it comes to this course (not that I would actually have much of memories regarding the course or last weeks....). But I think it was fun, if I can recall any of it. Although, I don't think that anything good comes out of thinking about the past, or even yesterday. I like forgetting about everything, best way for me to live my life: a day by day, only in this very moment, for future. I'm not bound by my past nor chained to the past. I live for myself, not for anyone else, but just and only for myself. But enough of this talk about myself, let me have a speech regarding this course:

"It's been such a long journey... over six weeks or something? Not that the time would actually matter, as it doesn't. But as I said, it's been a long journey, and it has come to an end. Often ends are described as the end of everything, annihilation, but since the universe keeps rolling, and we (most likely too) after the course has ended, it's nothing more than an ending among other endings. Nevertheless, it's been quite fun, not as fun as it could've been but I think none of us would like being in prison...? Yeah, that's what I thought... So... this was it then."

 Liked the speech? You better like it or it was all in vain. You liked it? Good. 
Now, don't expect me to write this all night long, got more important things to do in.... after all, it's a weekend, no exams to be expected... a beginning of new period... Besides, didn't I say that I'd keep this story short? Got it.

And now I think it would be time to say, Sayonara. Since we won't be seeing each other on this course anymore. Or something like that, not that I'd care if I see you or not... People are nothing more than barriers in the way waiting to be pushed off from the road, while I get to watch how they step on shit. Haha, now that was hilarious, absolutely hilarious. Made me laugh hard. But yeah, end of discussion, end of these texts. 

The end has finally come. Embrace it. 

Cheers.